people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
