why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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