It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
