We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
