when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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