So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
