At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
