Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can text with my tongue
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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