Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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