if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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