Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
