you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
