I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
