A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.