he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.