Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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