Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My breasts were aching with rage.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.