I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.