Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
