she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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