Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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