just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
