I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
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No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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