I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
