ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
