It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
