Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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