Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
