i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
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