Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
