I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
