Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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