you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
