Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize