i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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