I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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