I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
