Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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