Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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