i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
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I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
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My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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