Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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