Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
