this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
