im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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