Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
