Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
