I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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