So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
