i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
