How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
