yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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