When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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