I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
