So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
