are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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