I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
