i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
