I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
